Monday, February 7, 2011

In Which I Give You My Book's First Line...



Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest

To try and win an awesome critique by an agent, I'm entering this giveaway. In order to do so, I have to write a couple things about my manuscript and include only the first line. So here we go...

Name: Lauren Becker

Title: The Heartbreak Boys

Genre: YA Contemporary (LGBT)

First Line-

Annabelle Williams gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan.

And because everyone seems to agree that I need more...I'm going to add the second line, and if you all have ideas on combining them or something, comment!

Beautiful words for a heartless bitch.

I wish we could include more than the first line, because the second is the real clincher that should make you go "Ohh...what's going on?!" but hopefully the first line is somewhat interesting! Enjoy...leave your thoughts if you wish!

15 comments:

Liana said...

ooooooooo. well, what's the second line? Now I'm curious. Good luck!

Sheila (Bookjourney) said...

I want to know more too! :)

That first line really can be amazing... when I write I hope mine is powerful too!

Teralyn Rose Pilgrim said...

Could you post the second line? I'm not drawn in by this sentence at all, and I would like to help you "grab" people, maybe by combining the two sentences or getting rid of the first.

Maria Cope said...

Ooooh can we get the second line?! (I am not pouting, I promise! lol) I've noticed that a few of the other writers have added their second and third lines in italics or at the bottom of their entry.

Cheree said...

Nice opener, but I agree with Teralyn that this doesn't catch me enough. I would need to know the second sentence to see whether the story grabs my attention.

Teralyn Rose Pilgrim said...

That's easy!

"Annabelle Williams gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan"... beautiful words for a heartless bitch.

My only concern is that I don't know who the "bitch" is. Are we talking about the mom? I assumed someone was talking about the mom, which is why I added italics.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Teralyn: That's what I was thinking...to put them together. As for your question, it's someone stating something. They aren't talking to anyone. It's more of a thought. So yes, the "bitch" in question would be Annabelle. The person thinking about this is the father of the baby she had.

-lauren

SM Johnston said...

I wasn't overly drawn in by the first line. The second line was brilliant, but it seems disjointed from the first line.

Gabriela Lessa said...

What about something like: "No matter how adorable her baby boy was or how painful labor was, there was no denying Annabelle Williams was still a bitch."

I don't know if labor really was long, but it felt like it needed a bit more information in there...

phyllis sweetwater said...

For sure the first line needs a bit more. combining them would work as long as the subject makes sense. how about: Annabel William may have given birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan, but that didn't make her any less of a heartless bitch.

Tanya Reimer said...

It's unclear who is the heartless bitch at this point, but honestly, I don't think that matters in your first line. It gave me goosebumps which is the true test of a good line.

Loralie Hall said...

I think if you included the second line after a semicolon instead of as a new sentence, you could totally combine the two and call it one. It carries a lot more punch that way and I think you've got a great hook with the two together.

Dustin said...

I agree with previous posters - the two work well together. Strong work and very efficient character description. I'd keep reading.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

You're right, Lauren - that second line packs a heck of a punch! Love it! :-)

cleemckenzie said...

I have to throw in with SM Johnston. How are these idea connected? Also the beautiful, beautiful echo distracts from the two lines.

Just my 2 cents.