tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post3540709665247704988..comments2023-11-03T09:03:39.356-04:00Comments on Shooting Stars Mag: In Which I Give You My Book's First Line...Shooting Stars Maghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16074581473656321052noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-40446245788797029722011-02-13T17:00:37.485-05:002011-02-13T17:00:37.485-05:00I have to throw in with SM Johnston. How are these...I have to throw in with SM Johnston. How are these idea connected? Also the beautiful, beautiful echo distracts from the two lines. <br /><br />Just my 2 cents.cleemckenziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15456109243453726483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-79827600320434301412011-02-08T23:02:12.070-05:002011-02-08T23:02:12.070-05:00You're right, Lauren - that second line packs ...You're right, Lauren - that second line packs a heck of a punch! Love it! :-)Shannon O'Donnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17299313309059235876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-77035081804669450832011-02-08T19:27:15.174-05:002011-02-08T19:27:15.174-05:00I agree with previous posters - the two work well ...I agree with previous posters - the two work well together. Strong work and very efficient character description. I'd keep reading.Dustinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13627994419189135018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-56331136696841633172011-02-08T16:34:19.403-05:002011-02-08T16:34:19.403-05:00I think if you included the second line after a se...I think if you included the second line after a semicolon instead of as a new sentence, you could totally combine the two and call it one. It carries a lot more punch that way and I think you've got a great hook with the two together.Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-79030561692774477792011-02-08T12:57:19.875-05:002011-02-08T12:57:19.875-05:00It's unclear who is the heartless bitch at thi...It's unclear who is the heartless bitch at this point, but honestly, I don't think that matters in your first line. It gave me goosebumps which is the true test of a good line.Tanya Reimerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00293977395016853814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-60975689629789256802011-02-08T12:24:23.061-05:002011-02-08T12:24:23.061-05:00For sure the first line needs a bit more. combini...For sure the first line needs a bit more. combining them would work as long as the subject makes sense. how about: Annabel William may have given birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan, but that didn't make her any less of a heartless bitch.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-58300376486375234042011-02-08T08:43:11.051-05:002011-02-08T08:43:11.051-05:00What about something like: "No matter how ado...What about something like: "No matter how adorable her baby boy was or how painful labor was, there was no denying Annabelle Williams was still a bitch."<br /><br />I don't know if labor really was long, but it felt like it needed a bit more information in there...Gabriela Lessahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265214314915980398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-35986283591505443102011-02-08T06:22:38.545-05:002011-02-08T06:22:38.545-05:00I wasn't overly drawn in by the first line. Th...I wasn't overly drawn in by the first line. The second line was brilliant, but it seems disjointed from the first line.SM Johnstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-65385301662999084012011-02-07T20:50:58.076-05:002011-02-07T20:50:58.076-05:00Teralyn: That's what I was thinking...to put t...Teralyn: That's what I was thinking...to put them together. As for your question, it's someone stating something. They aren't talking to anyone. It's more of a thought. So yes, the "bitch" in question would be Annabelle. The person thinking about this is the father of the baby she had.<br /><br />-laurenShooting Stars Maghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16074581473656321052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-84186313156484541192011-02-07T20:43:25.290-05:002011-02-07T20:43:25.290-05:00That's easy!
"Annabelle Williams gave bi...That's easy!<br /><br />"Annabelle Williams gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan"... beautiful words for a heartless bitch.<br /><br />My only concern is that I don't know who the "bitch" is. Are we talking about the mom? I assumed someone was talking about the mom, which is why I added italics.Teralyn Rose Pilgrimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04586129403789427592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-758735463543021452011-02-07T18:51:55.726-05:002011-02-07T18:51:55.726-05:00Nice opener, but I agree with Teralyn that this do...Nice opener, but I agree with Teralyn that this doesn't catch me enough. I would need to know the second sentence to see whether the story grabs my attention.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-47739267737281764462011-02-07T18:36:53.343-05:002011-02-07T18:36:53.343-05:00Ooooh can we get the second line?! (I am not pouti...Ooooh can we get the second line?! (I am not pouting, I promise! lol) I've noticed that a few of the other writers have added their second and third lines in italics or at the bottom of their entry.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14207832157235025521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-35620934774459166882011-02-07T17:35:20.326-05:002011-02-07T17:35:20.326-05:00Could you post the second line? I'm not drawn ...Could you post the second line? I'm not drawn in by this sentence at all, and I would like to help you "grab" people, maybe by combining the two sentences or getting rid of the first.Teralyn Rose Pilgrimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04586129403789427592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-36085478347052102902011-02-07T16:24:46.558-05:002011-02-07T16:24:46.558-05:00I want to know more too! :)
That first line real...I want to know more too! :)<br /><br />That first line really can be amazing... when I write I hope mine is powerful too!Sheila (Bookjourney)https://www.blogger.com/profile/05354184020340930630noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5639675212408846217.post-52824719234032098452011-02-07T16:05:36.344-05:002011-02-07T16:05:36.344-05:00ooooooooo. well, what's the second line? Now I...ooooooooo. well, what's the second line? Now I'm curious. Good luck!Lianahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13140791100212335805noreply@blogger.com